Reasons To Love You

It’s the fact that I learned few years before, MIND can do wonders.

I watched you while you were sleeping last night; so peaceful and deep. I can't think of a moment that I don't want to kiss you. Maybe few times when we fight, (there’s one time I feel like smacking your head when you don’t understand me, or maybe few times I feel like shouting at your ears when you don’t seem to listen or maybe there’s a time I feel like using fast forward button on you to make you move faster) but other than that, your face soothes me. Sometimes, I feel restless and worried, and the sight of you calms me down. I know it sounds crazy, but love is crazy.

You know, I don't know why I love u. There must be a reason to love someone. But I don’t know mine. I make lists on it based on normal reasons that make people love someone, but it only goes like this;

Reasons that I Love You:

1. Good looking – hmmm you’re but it’s not because of your face that I love you. Because you frown so much that your face makes this really funnily cute expression. But it does make me smile every time thinking the way your face frown. It’s so you! And when you thinking about something, your face looks so distant from the world, like it lost in its own world and it always make me tempting to run my fingers on your hair, just to bring you back to the world.

2. Good at heart – You have extremely good heart, I can’t deny it. But it’s not quite a reason for me to love you. Because sometimes I know that you just ignore being good and choose being practical or technical (the way you always say it). And anyway, for a guy, you’re quite emotional (don’t hate me coz I say it here). I catch you cry few times watching movies, but it just make my heart feel closer to you. I know life is hard, but the way you teach me facing it, make me somehow embracing it.

3. Good Cook – yes ermmm pasta, barbecue, the things that you always do with left over fish, pasta, barbecue, pasta (didn’t I mention it just now?) You know, the day my maid asked to be sent home, I was crying on the bed, and you bring me supper, that was really sweet and touched my heart. Even I cooked it, but you served me. That is why they put handsome guy as waiter rather than chef, I guess.

4. Can Sing, Can Dance – oh my….don’t let me start. But it thought me something. To just let go of the fears and enjoy.

5. Rich – What?!! What a shallow reason.

6. Romantic – You’re too technical to be romantic, and romantic guy bore me out. But I like it when you write me poems and sing me lullabies and buy me flowers and showered me and give me massages. Gosh…I don’t know that you’re romantic. J

7. Famous – Who are you again?!!?

8. James Bond – Ha Ha as much as I know how you wish you are him, but I’m sorry love, he is too suave to be true.

9. Powerful – I beat you on games few times!!!!

Oh barnacles, not even one suit to be the reason I Love You! What if people ask me, why I love you. What should I say?!!! I should keep on thinking about it tonight before sleep.

E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L roller coaster (release me from myself)

I remember I once condemned all women who connect their obscene attitude to hormonal issues. Its kind of funny though, because this week i do all (nagging, crying, sulking, shouting, fighting, bitching and grumping) but pleasant things and blame it on HORMONES! Hate to admit but deep inside me i agree with all those saying that never trust woman's judgement, we are doomed to think with our hormones.

Today as lousy as my day gets, i checked my calendar for any sign of my period cycle coming through, but i already have it last week, so it couldn't possibly because of PMS that i feeling this way. Terrified, i make a mental note on other possible issues that may lead to this emotional roller-coasters.

1. PMS - had it last week.

2. Weather - what? what am i? banana tree?

3. H1N1 - never heard H1N1 could end you up in emotional imbalance

God, these are craps, i think we woman are bound to continuously dragging our feeling, which means if we feel blue today, we probably will feel blue for the whole week. And what weird is we only drag the bad feeling, i never experience feeling happy today, and feel happy for the whole freaking week! Study back the occasion, i think this bad feeling started from last week.

Hell....it must be the train ride, i took a train one evening back from work, and out of sudden all the beads on my handbag's string just came off, and scattered all over the train. I was so tired, and worn off from work, and utmost feeling embarrassed, so i just ignore it, but some people were so concerned, they help themselves on their feet and start collecting the beads! I don't know we Malaysian can be so helpful. Well, I DON'T NEED IT. I just feel embarrassed and hope that people will just assumed that nothing happen, like we Malaysian always do facing crisis. When i reached my station, called Mr.Boyfriend, got in the car and cried. I don't understand either why i cried. Maybe HORMONES.

So, being concerned, Mr.Boyfriend asked me, whats wrong. So i told him the whole story including the fact that now i'm telling him i feel it so stupid to cry for a small matter. and for a second his answer just startled me, he said, "Are you crying because you feel embarrassed people think that you using cheap stuff?", goodness gracious, i couldn't breath, please just shoot me rather than let me answer it. Cheap stuff or not, it doesn't matter. Its the whole image that i carry on...(really?!!?, deep down i do think its the main reason), but as a MODERN GIRL, i do what a normal things to do, DENIAL. I told him, no i don't feel embarrassed because of that, goodness no! with face full of disgust that he even thinking it (just to convince him that its not the main reason). i told him, i like to be in compose, so when my things won't work the way it should, i feel embarrassed. (what a denial).

Then it started, all the lousy feeling, feeling down and sad, insecure, crying for no reasons. Making my whole week like hell. So today i make a term on it, i have to stop it today before it started to affect someone else life too. And the first step is to make a confession to Mr.Boyfriend about the train incident on why i feel embarrassed.

That should solve it, i guess.

later days...

~~ embracing happiness.. :) ~~

Birthday Issues!!!!!

"Me And My Heart We Got Issues,

Don't Know If I Should Hate You Or Miss You,

Damn I Wish That I Could Resist You

Can't Decide If I Should Slap You Or Kiss You..."

Mr boyfriend asks me today what do i want for my birthday. I would jump to the ceiling if anyone ever asked me about it ten years back when i were 17, now when i reached 27, birthday is like pretty normal, i don't feel the excitement anymore. kind of scary though, thinking that now i am 27, and there are so much things that i haven't do. and the clock is ticking...tick tick tick...goodness creepy.

Had conversation last night with my eldest daughter, sharp at 1200a.m i told her, "its my birthday! Gimme a hug and sing me a song!" and she said, " i did that already on mother's day, how many times you want to be celebrated?!!", i almost choke to death hearing that! But true, there are too many celebration nowadays and birthday is like pretty lame. (sadly.....).So, before i fell asleep last night, quietly closed my eyes wish that i will return to the time where birthday is so grand and everyone make it an important day for you. Hmmm how i wish.

This morning, i texted Mr.Boyfriend again and said i figured out what i want. I think rather than waiting for him to surprise me with his SURPRISED (that i am sure going to really surprise me), i just tell him what i want and be happy. Safe the arguments, dissapointments and MOST importantly, i get what i want.

Now that half of the day is passed, sitting in the office, on my birthday, i silently thank GOD, for all the things that i have been through all my life, through thick and thin, some shits some golds, it roughen me up, shapes me to a better angle. And even i think i haven't do anything and i am 27 at this moment, i think i can be proud of myself, i have two daughters, beautiful and smart, i can say "no" to people now without feeling guilty about it (if you are me, you know how hard it is to do), and i found the man that i can truly love without wanting to cheat on him. (thanks Mr.Boyfriend), so my birthday, for 27 years I've been here, there are lots of words i can describe it, but LAME is not one of it.

~ ~ fool in love ~ ~

What is it like to fall in love.

1.is it the funny feeling on my tummy?
its like something flying inside (now i understand why they say butterfly in your stomach), the way its churning.urghhhh difficult.

2.or maybe the way i smile myself stupid everytime i think of him.
today while i skyped him, there is this stupid smile plastered all over my face and when i realized about it, i feel so embarrased even to myself, why am i smiling like that, its so goofy.errrr...crazy.

3.the way my heart beating when i see him, receive his calls or texts.
its like im having a nervous breakdown, im breathless and sweating and keep on looking at mirror to check on myself (it just sms, he cant even see me) and make this cute face on mirror so he will think im cute. goodness....

4.Start to learn new language
oh yeah and its afrikaans, i even try to pronouns it either, i think in another two months my tongue will tied up in a weird way.

5.Be good to other feline
i hate cat, and they hate me. but he loves them.
ahhh it just cat, i can try to love them, (what about the fur?!??) dont mind about it, it will not kill me, havent i heard the saying tht things that cant kill you, will make you stronger?

All these new things inside me, they excite me, give me reasons to wake up in the morning and put stars on my eyes. So love, how stupid you are, how funny it seems or how weird i may look like because of u, thanks coz now i am better.