It's the time of the month

I detest certain time of the month. The days look gloomy and dark, the cloud gathers on your head and create the cumulonimbus that look like it going to pour any time soon on you, the cold that makes you shivers. Then, you can see Gregorian playing on my iPod. It is the time of the month. My "depressed" day.

"No, I don't have depression problem!". I told myself repeatedly when the thought crosses my mind. But then why even the slightest song with emotional verse make my eyes welled up. Sigh. Being a woman is hard. You tend to be dragged to the lowest emotional imbalance at certain time of the month. It's hormones, PMS and lot more than you can bargain for.

"Do something about it!". The voice at the back of my head always want to surpass my feeling when it comes to me get attached to this type of emotion. I do try. I drink jasmine tea, green tea and all sorts of tea that are well-known in controlling your bad day. I listen to Beach Boys and all the happy-clappy songs. I even daydream about all the happy days that happened, about to happen and maybe not going to happen. But, once it's getting quiet inside, the darkness wrap his cloak on your heart, the loneliness creeping and take control then bang! You choke. It's like there is a lump on your throat that doesn't want to go away. You can't swallow your emotion. You have to let it out. And my way of getting it out is to just lie in the corner of the bed or somewhere and curl up. There's nothing else that make you feel better at that moment other than be alone for a while and have someone who you care enough and care about you enough to hug you and tell you that EVERYTHING GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

Coldplay - Trouble

Pixie.

p/s: don't stoop so low. Always give yourself some credit. You deserve it.

Stomach Flu

After my birthday celebration the other day, I was down with Stomach Flu. It is horrendous. It feels like gastric attack but somehow you lost appetite and moody. I was crying and crying. Then Mr.Bf brought me to the doctor and he confirmed it. Hmm.... should be careful when eating out next time.

do the fetus position, it helps.

rEASON tO cOMEBACK

To any of you that wonder where I've been missing for two months, well you can rest assured now that I am not being sent to Afghanistan for special task mission nor I am joining few people that volunteering to start life on Mars. I am just simply fighting with myself for the reason to come back blogging. I feel unmotivated, slacks and bored to death. But yesterday, one of Mr.BF's uncle put me into shamed by telling me that he is busy for 24/7 (he is motivational speaker) and still updating his blog weekly. So, to prove to him that I am F.U.N, here I am, come back for good!

me.including the wriggly skin

p/s: wait for my post about my S.African trip! plus bloody mess accident.

The Whole Day..Really??

Its funny when I am quiet and some sort of disappear to test if people would miss me and it turns out, none.

Note: Doesn't serve the purpose.

Let Just Pretend That Airplane In Night Sky is Shooting Star

There's always one thing that I want badly in my life and I know that I'm going to be really good at it. But I guess, that one thing will never happen to me. So let just stop dreaming.

Caution : Dream Kills

Loneliness is a body without soul

Last 19th December Mr.BF went back to South Africa to celebrate Christmas with his family. I am so happy as he got to spend time with them. I know that absence make the heart grows fonder but I couldn't escape from feeling lonely and crazily missing him. Anyway, to make useful of this time that I am alone, I am booked with few projects (that I created myself) which is do a make over on the house. I'm talking about major make over. I hope he will like it when he come back.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Hope Santa be nice to you all and make your dreams come true. As for me, I think I am being naughty a lot this year, so I keep my finger cross for my dreams.

 P/s: I found this new website about all English Idioms. Love it. Have a look here.

I (Who Have Nothing)

I don't know how to swim, but I will paddle to you,

I don't know how to play squash, but I will watch every game of you,

I don't know most of the human biology or even world geography,

But I will read if it means to get to know you.

"I, I who have nothing 
I, I who have no one 
Adore you and want you so 
I'm just a no one, with nothing to give you but...
I love you"

-Shirley Bassey - I Who Have Nothing-

My Curtain Call

It is not that I "WANT" it, it is just that I want to "DESERVE' it.

Hey Boyfriend!

come back early tomorrow yeah.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I Hate Monday

i try to clear up my mailbox today when i found box of email that i ever sent to Mr.BF, would like to share with you guys.

17.08.2009 @ 1.48pm

Oh baby….
I don’t know why I feel so down today. Everything seems so wrong.

1.I have a bad hair day.
2.My bra seems so big and I keep on adjusting it,
3.my pants feel so tight I cant breath,
4.my shirt seems so low I keep on checking whether my breast are exposed (since my bra so big I can see my breast)
5.I just had the fried rice and because im so hungry I eat it quickly while its hot. So it burns my tongue now it feels numb.
6.The computer is so slow.
7.the printer cant print
8.I cant find two files already, I don’t remember where I put it I know it here it just that I cant remember where the hell they are
9.Because I have seafood fried rice now all my face feel itchy…somehow...Dont remember I have eczema or any face allergy, but think my face somehow swollen now.
10.On top of everything, I miss u like crazy I don’t know why.

So that’s about it…..ahhhhhhhhhhh I hate feeling down especially on Monday. Now I feel like Garfield.

I remember...

Note: this post is written in a very emotional day of mine. Cautions while reading needed.

I remember,

we used to talk about anything. Hopes, dreams, sadness, guilty, craziness, politic, sex, idiocracy, works, people, everything. Now, we still talk a lot, but by me ended up sulking and you feeling angry and hurt.

I remember,

we used to listen, and asked if we feel something is wrong. We believe in each other reasons and try to understand on each other decisions. Now, we make assumptions and resent.

If you be the Sun, i will be clouds and make you complete,

If you be the Moon, i will be the stars and keep you company,

If you be the Desert, i will be the wind and shape you into dune,

if you be the River, I will be the rock, so i can feel you brush into me.

In love, everybody hurts and live. I am human which perfections seems impossible and flaws here and there, If i am wrong, take my hand, and tell me where to correct. Being close to you sometimes make me forget when it is not OK to just do things my way. Deep inside me, i feel for you strongly, forgive me love for being stupid, but don't say you love me less on it. Because i am human, and i remember..

E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L roller coaster (release me from myself)

I remember I once condemned all women who connect their obscene attitude to hormonal issues. Its kind of funny though, because this week i do all (nagging, crying, sulking, shouting, fighting, bitching and grumping) but pleasant things and blame it on HORMONES! Hate to admit but deep inside me i agree with all those saying that never trust woman's judgement, we are doomed to think with our hormones.

Today as lousy as my day gets, i checked my calendar for any sign of my period cycle coming through, but i already have it last week, so it couldn't possibly because of PMS that i feeling this way. Terrified, i make a mental note on other possible issues that may lead to this emotional roller-coasters.

1. PMS - had it last week.

2. Weather - what? what am i? banana tree?

3. H1N1 - never heard H1N1 could end you up in emotional imbalance

God, these are craps, i think we woman are bound to continuously dragging our feeling, which means if we feel blue today, we probably will feel blue for the whole week. And what weird is we only drag the bad feeling, i never experience feeling happy today, and feel happy for the whole freaking week! Study back the occasion, i think this bad feeling started from last week.

Hell....it must be the train ride, i took a train one evening back from work, and out of sudden all the beads on my handbag's string just came off, and scattered all over the train. I was so tired, and worn off from work, and utmost feeling embarrassed, so i just ignore it, but some people were so concerned, they help themselves on their feet and start collecting the beads! I don't know we Malaysian can be so helpful. Well, I DON'T NEED IT. I just feel embarrassed and hope that people will just assumed that nothing happen, like we Malaysian always do facing crisis. When i reached my station, called Mr.Boyfriend, got in the car and cried. I don't understand either why i cried. Maybe HORMONES.

So, being concerned, Mr.Boyfriend asked me, whats wrong. So i told him the whole story including the fact that now i'm telling him i feel it so stupid to cry for a small matter. and for a second his answer just startled me, he said, "Are you crying because you feel embarrassed people think that you using cheap stuff?", goodness gracious, i couldn't breath, please just shoot me rather than let me answer it. Cheap stuff or not, it doesn't matter. Its the whole image that i carry on...(really?!!?, deep down i do think its the main reason), but as a MODERN GIRL, i do what a normal things to do, DENIAL. I told him, no i don't feel embarrassed because of that, goodness no! with face full of disgust that he even thinking it (just to convince him that its not the main reason). i told him, i like to be in compose, so when my things won't work the way it should, i feel embarrassed. (what a denial).

Then it started, all the lousy feeling, feeling down and sad, insecure, crying for no reasons. Making my whole week like hell. So today i make a term on it, i have to stop it today before it started to affect someone else life too. And the first step is to make a confession to Mr.Boyfriend about the train incident on why i feel embarrassed.

That should solve it, i guess.

later days...

~~ embracing happiness.. :) ~~