I remember...

Note: this post is written in a very emotional day of mine. Cautions while reading needed.

I remember,

we used to talk about anything. Hopes, dreams, sadness, guilty, craziness, politic, sex, idiocracy, works, people, everything. Now, we still talk a lot, but by me ended up sulking and you feeling angry and hurt.

I remember,

we used to listen, and asked if we feel something is wrong. We believe in each other reasons and try to understand on each other decisions. Now, we make assumptions and resent.

If you be the Sun, i will be clouds and make you complete,

If you be the Moon, i will be the stars and keep you company,

If you be the Desert, i will be the wind and shape you into dune,

if you be the River, I will be the rock, so i can feel you brush into me.

In love, everybody hurts and live. I am human which perfections seems impossible and flaws here and there, If i am wrong, take my hand, and tell me where to correct. Being close to you sometimes make me forget when it is not OK to just do things my way. Deep inside me, i feel for you strongly, forgive me love for being stupid, but don't say you love me less on it. Because i am human, and i remember..

You, Me and Sinusitis (oh and cats)

I am always a dog person. Even born in dog years. But since I'm with Mr. Boyfriend, I don't mind cat either. Only bit annoyed when they circling my legs and rub the fur all over me and honestly, i like it when they scratch the sofa, make him angry (sorry...). When he told me that he is about to get rid of the cats, i am feeling down, this is so not me, i supposed to feel happy but I'm not. Maybe I start to love them, as much as Abby and Puppy. We have three cats at home, De La Ray (the Ginger), Snow White (picture) and another one that doesn't really has name, spotted with orange and black and a little white, so I call him Spot.

I understand that he also loves them, but since his sinusitis is getting really bad now, there's not much we can do and the only option is to get rid of the cats. Maybe find some people that really into cats and donate them.

Since i don't have so much things to do in the office today, i Wikipedia on Sinusitis, and how it is affected from cat. Quite interesting really, maybe because i don't really have a clue about it, only the fact that people who have it sneeze every 5 minutes and wheeze through their nose. (must be bad for image if you are a girl, imagine a girl who talk wheezily).

Sinusitis is a condition consisting of infection or inflammation of the paranasal sinuses (what the hell is this?), which may be as a result of infection, from bacterial, fungal, viral, allergic or autoimmune issues.Sinusitis can be classified by the sinus cavity which can cause pain or pressure in the cheek area (toothache, headache), area behind, between or above eyes. Recent theories also showed that sinusitis is often occurs as part of a spectrum of diseases that affect the respiratory tract (airway) and is often linked to asthma. All forms of sinusitis may either result in a generalized inflammation of the airway so other airway symptoms such as cough may be associated with it.The symptoms of sinusitis can resemble those of a common cold or flu. Symptoms include excessive sneezing, a runny nose, a headache, the inability to breathe through the nose, and pressure around an individual’s head and eyes.A person can also have a low fever with sinusitis. Blocked nasal passageways will make it difficult to breathe. The blockage can cause pain and discomfort, especially around the ears. An excess of mucus will be produced by the nose and throat. The pain and discomfort may make the individual irritable (that explain your grumpiness). They may also lose their sense of smell and taste (now i wonder if it is wise to ask you whether i smell or whether my cooking taste good).

Since Mr.Boyfriend firm on his belief that cat is the caused, i checked on Cat Allergy. Cat allergy is an allergic reaction to one or more of the five known allergens produced by cats. The most common of these is cat glycoprotein, secreted by the cat's sebaceous glands. It is mostly found in the cat's skin and saliva. An allergic reaction is a histamine reaction that is usually characterized by coughing, wheezing, chest tightening, itching, nasal congestion, rash, watering eyes, sneezing and similar symptoms (all well linked to sinusitis).

Allergic reaction to cats can be lessened most successfully by minimizing exposure to the animals, frequent handwashing and avoiding touching eyes or other sensitive areas is advisable. Minimizing upholstery, rugs and draperies in which the allergen can accumulate in the home is another strategy. Barring the cat from certain rooms (in particular the bedroom or other rooms where much time is spent) or limiting it to the outdoors is also partially successful. Finally, some allergy sufferers find relief in periodic injection therapy designed to stimulate the body's natural immune responses to the cat allergen (wow, this is genius, but will it work?)

I think all the suggestion is practically done in our home, but his sinusitis seems in no way to leave him alone. Furthermore, because he is on Histamine, he seems sleepy all the time and fatigue. and of course i checked on Histamine too.

Histamine is a biogenic amine involved in local immune responses as well as regulating physiological function in the gut and acting as a neurotransmitter. Histamine triggers the inflammatory response. Although the effect of histamine is not alarming, but it explains few things that happened to him lately. According to research, Histamine which is released as a neurotransmitter, is known to modulate sleep. It is also suggested that histamine controls by the mechanism by which is learning and memories are forgotten.

Well, I really wish that all of us will find an amicable solution soon, and that Mr.Boyfriend don't really have to consume so much of Histamine. Anyway, i read that there is a natural way to control sinusitis by using Raw Vegetables Juices. Here is the recipe:

1.Mix together 300 ml of carrot juice with 200 ml of spinach juice and 100 ml each of cucumber juice and beet juice.

2.Drink this mixture daily until the symptoms subside.

Fruits and other foods that are high in vitamin A are also an effective way to treat sinusitis. These foods include mangoes, pumpkin, papaya, carrots, and whole milk.

I don't know whether this is working, but no harm in trying. So, Raw Vegetables Juice Mission, here I come!

Reasons To Love You

It’s the fact that I learned few years before, MIND can do wonders.

I watched you while you were sleeping last night; so peaceful and deep. I can't think of a moment that I don't want to kiss you. Maybe few times when we fight, (there’s one time I feel like smacking your head when you don’t understand me, or maybe few times I feel like shouting at your ears when you don’t seem to listen or maybe there’s a time I feel like using fast forward button on you to make you move faster) but other than that, your face soothes me. Sometimes, I feel restless and worried, and the sight of you calms me down. I know it sounds crazy, but love is crazy.

You know, I don't know why I love u. There must be a reason to love someone. But I don’t know mine. I make lists on it based on normal reasons that make people love someone, but it only goes like this;

Reasons that I Love You:

1. Good looking – hmmm you’re but it’s not because of your face that I love you. Because you frown so much that your face makes this really funnily cute expression. But it does make me smile every time thinking the way your face frown. It’s so you! And when you thinking about something, your face looks so distant from the world, like it lost in its own world and it always make me tempting to run my fingers on your hair, just to bring you back to the world.

2. Good at heart – You have extremely good heart, I can’t deny it. But it’s not quite a reason for me to love you. Because sometimes I know that you just ignore being good and choose being practical or technical (the way you always say it). And anyway, for a guy, you’re quite emotional (don’t hate me coz I say it here). I catch you cry few times watching movies, but it just make my heart feel closer to you. I know life is hard, but the way you teach me facing it, make me somehow embracing it.

3. Good Cook – yes ermmm pasta, barbecue, the things that you always do with left over fish, pasta, barbecue, pasta (didn’t I mention it just now?) You know, the day my maid asked to be sent home, I was crying on the bed, and you bring me supper, that was really sweet and touched my heart. Even I cooked it, but you served me. That is why they put handsome guy as waiter rather than chef, I guess.

4. Can Sing, Can Dance – oh my….don’t let me start. But it thought me something. To just let go of the fears and enjoy.

5. Rich – What?!! What a shallow reason.

6. Romantic – You’re too technical to be romantic, and romantic guy bore me out. But I like it when you write me poems and sing me lullabies and buy me flowers and showered me and give me massages. Gosh…I don’t know that you’re romantic. J

7. Famous – Who are you again?!!?

8. James Bond – Ha Ha as much as I know how you wish you are him, but I’m sorry love, he is too suave to be true.

9. Powerful – I beat you on games few times!!!!

Oh barnacles, not even one suit to be the reason I Love You! What if people ask me, why I love you. What should I say?!!! I should keep on thinking about it tonight before sleep.

E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L roller coaster (release me from myself)

I remember I once condemned all women who connect their obscene attitude to hormonal issues. Its kind of funny though, because this week i do all (nagging, crying, sulking, shouting, fighting, bitching and grumping) but pleasant things and blame it on HORMONES! Hate to admit but deep inside me i agree with all those saying that never trust woman's judgement, we are doomed to think with our hormones.

Today as lousy as my day gets, i checked my calendar for any sign of my period cycle coming through, but i already have it last week, so it couldn't possibly because of PMS that i feeling this way. Terrified, i make a mental note on other possible issues that may lead to this emotional roller-coasters.

1. PMS - had it last week.

2. Weather - what? what am i? banana tree?

3. H1N1 - never heard H1N1 could end you up in emotional imbalance

God, these are craps, i think we woman are bound to continuously dragging our feeling, which means if we feel blue today, we probably will feel blue for the whole week. And what weird is we only drag the bad feeling, i never experience feeling happy today, and feel happy for the whole freaking week! Study back the occasion, i think this bad feeling started from last week.

Hell....it must be the train ride, i took a train one evening back from work, and out of sudden all the beads on my handbag's string just came off, and scattered all over the train. I was so tired, and worn off from work, and utmost feeling embarrassed, so i just ignore it, but some people were so concerned, they help themselves on their feet and start collecting the beads! I don't know we Malaysian can be so helpful. Well, I DON'T NEED IT. I just feel embarrassed and hope that people will just assumed that nothing happen, like we Malaysian always do facing crisis. When i reached my station, called Mr.Boyfriend, got in the car and cried. I don't understand either why i cried. Maybe HORMONES.

So, being concerned, Mr.Boyfriend asked me, whats wrong. So i told him the whole story including the fact that now i'm telling him i feel it so stupid to cry for a small matter. and for a second his answer just startled me, he said, "Are you crying because you feel embarrassed people think that you using cheap stuff?", goodness gracious, i couldn't breath, please just shoot me rather than let me answer it. Cheap stuff or not, it doesn't matter. Its the whole image that i carry on...(really?!!?, deep down i do think its the main reason), but as a MODERN GIRL, i do what a normal things to do, DENIAL. I told him, no i don't feel embarrassed because of that, goodness no! with face full of disgust that he even thinking it (just to convince him that its not the main reason). i told him, i like to be in compose, so when my things won't work the way it should, i feel embarrassed. (what a denial).

Then it started, all the lousy feeling, feeling down and sad, insecure, crying for no reasons. Making my whole week like hell. So today i make a term on it, i have to stop it today before it started to affect someone else life too. And the first step is to make a confession to Mr.Boyfriend about the train incident on why i feel embarrassed.

That should solve it, i guess.

later days...

~~ embracing happiness.. :) ~~

Birthday Issues!!!!!

"Me And My Heart We Got Issues,

Don't Know If I Should Hate You Or Miss You,

Damn I Wish That I Could Resist You

Can't Decide If I Should Slap You Or Kiss You..."

Mr boyfriend asks me today what do i want for my birthday. I would jump to the ceiling if anyone ever asked me about it ten years back when i were 17, now when i reached 27, birthday is like pretty normal, i don't feel the excitement anymore. kind of scary though, thinking that now i am 27, and there are so much things that i haven't do. and the clock is ticking...tick tick tick...goodness creepy.

Had conversation last night with my eldest daughter, sharp at 1200a.m i told her, "its my birthday! Gimme a hug and sing me a song!" and she said, " i did that already on mother's day, how many times you want to be celebrated?!!", i almost choke to death hearing that! But true, there are too many celebration nowadays and birthday is like pretty lame. (sadly.....).So, before i fell asleep last night, quietly closed my eyes wish that i will return to the time where birthday is so grand and everyone make it an important day for you. Hmmm how i wish.

This morning, i texted Mr.Boyfriend again and said i figured out what i want. I think rather than waiting for him to surprise me with his SURPRISED (that i am sure going to really surprise me), i just tell him what i want and be happy. Safe the arguments, dissapointments and MOST importantly, i get what i want.

Now that half of the day is passed, sitting in the office, on my birthday, i silently thank GOD, for all the things that i have been through all my life, through thick and thin, some shits some golds, it roughen me up, shapes me to a better angle. And even i think i haven't do anything and i am 27 at this moment, i think i can be proud of myself, i have two daughters, beautiful and smart, i can say "no" to people now without feeling guilty about it (if you are me, you know how hard it is to do), and i found the man that i can truly love without wanting to cheat on him. (thanks Mr.Boyfriend), so my birthday, for 27 years I've been here, there are lots of words i can describe it, but LAME is not one of it.

~ ~ fool in love ~ ~

What is it like to fall in love.

1.is it the funny feeling on my tummy?
its like something flying inside (now i understand why they say butterfly in your stomach), the way its churning.urghhhh difficult.

2.or maybe the way i smile myself stupid everytime i think of him.
today while i skyped him, there is this stupid smile plastered all over my face and when i realized about it, i feel so embarrased even to myself, why am i smiling like that, its so goofy.errrr...crazy.

3.the way my heart beating when i see him, receive his calls or texts.
its like im having a nervous breakdown, im breathless and sweating and keep on looking at mirror to check on myself (it just sms, he cant even see me) and make this cute face on mirror so he will think im cute. goodness....

4.Start to learn new language
oh yeah and its afrikaans, i even try to pronouns it either, i think in another two months my tongue will tied up in a weird way.

5.Be good to other feline
i hate cat, and they hate me. but he loves them.
ahhh it just cat, i can try to love them, (what about the fur?!??) dont mind about it, it will not kill me, havent i heard the saying tht things that cant kill you, will make you stronger?

All these new things inside me, they excite me, give me reasons to wake up in the morning and put stars on my eyes. So love, how stupid you are, how funny it seems or how weird i may look like because of u, thanks coz now i am better.